Bang's Blogs: Tusk vs Human Centipede

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“AGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” -Humanity

Tusk, Kevin Smith’s magnum opus.

Human Centipede, God’s worst creation.

Walrus vs centipede! Two creatures that couldn't be any more different from each other and yet we’re willing to throw them into battle against each other! However, what if we added a horrific twist onto it all? The fans voted for it and we’re here to deliver. Will Kevin Smith’s Tusk miserably stab his way to victory or will Human Centipede maul its horrific opponent to death’s door? Only one way to find out!

Before We Get Started…

We’re doing this because the people needed to see it. (Grimes dragged us into it).

Media List

It’s pretty simple y’all. Well, that's what we thought at least.

Tusk only has one movie to his name but believe it or not, a different movie by the same guy was confirmed to take place in the same universe. Due to this, we’ll also consider the movie Yoga Hosers for our research. As for the Human Centipede, it’s a little more complicated. There are three movies to the franchise’s name but there is no connection between any of the movies in canon. The first movie is treated as fictional by the second movie and the first two movies are treated as fictional by the third movie, so given this, every movie is treated as an alternate and potentially fictionalized universe that is completely separate from one another. Given this, we decided to soft composite for Human Centipede as we wanted to look into the scaling for all the movies. However, we will use the Human Centipede from the first movie as our main version due to its popularity.

For Tusk, we will be using…

The Tusk movie by Kevin Smith
Yoga Hosers by Kevin Smith

For Human Centipede, we will be using…

The Human Centipede
The Human Centipede 2
The Human Centipede III
The Human Centipede musical

One last thing, TRIGGER WARNING for people who may be uncomfortable with topics of body horror and other topics that are likely to gross you out. You’ve been warned.

Background

Tusk

"Coo loo coo coo, coo coo coo coo!”

There are a lot of podcasts in the sea, but one of the most successful among them was The Not-See Party hosted by Teddy Craft and Wallace Bryton who entertained the masses by interviewing eccentric people. One of these people happened to be the internet famous Kill-Bill Kid who accidentally sliced off his own leg; which led Teddy and Wallace to travel up north to France 2: Canada. Sadly, Wallace was unable to interview the kid as he…killed himself but on the bright side, Wallace found a flyer offering a free room and interesting stories. Since he was determined to get something out of his trip to the great white north, Wallace went to stay at the mansion of Howard Home, a retired disabled seaman.

Wallace is told the story of how Howard was saved by a walrus, who he lovingly nicknamed Mr. Tusk, while drinking some delightful tea. Unfortunately, this tea was secobarbital-laced and Wallace got knocked the fuck out and Howard experimented on him in the meantime. Howard woke up with a missing leg and a lot of questions; he was told that a brown recluse bit him and that the amputation was necessary to save his life but this was a lie as Howard simply wanted to transform Wallace into a walrus made of human flesh in order to give his beloved friend Mr. Tusk one more chance of survival as he had murdered and consumed him in order to live. After an attempt to desperately call for rescue fails, Wallace wakes up as a Walrus and has to undergo training in order to think and behave like one. The two kinda just bum around for a little bit before Howard brings out his own walrus skin suit and goads Wallace into embracing his inner walrus and stabbing him to death repeatedly. Right after this event, Wallace’s girlfriend Ally and his co-host Teddy alongside Guy LaPointe found him and took his ass straight to a zoo. One year later, as Ally confessed her love for him, Wallace remembered how she said crying is what separates humans from animals. He started to cry, giving a glimmer of hope that there was still some humanity left in him. Yet the sadness remains that he is forever trapped in this body.

Human Centipede

“Feed her! Feed her!”

Tourism. It’s a wonderful thing that can really boost a place’s local economy and allow people to experience a lot of things that they won’t forget for the rest of their lives. Such is the case for Lindsay, Jenny, and Katsuro who traveled to Germany from New York and Japan respectively as these three were the unfortunate victims of the psychotic surgeon Dr. Josef Heiter’s siamese triplet experiment. The mad doctor was a world-renowned expert at separating siamese twins but he longed for the idea of making new creatures entirely by sewing people together. After hearing Dr. Heither’s plan for connecting the three of them mouth to anus so that they share a digestive system; Lindsay tried to book it and run which failed miserably and resulted in her being chosen as the middle part of the centipede which happens to be the most painful part for the healing process.

Eventually the surgery is completed with Heiter placing Katsuro at the front, Lindsay being placed in the middle as previously stated, and Jenny at the rear; mutilating the mouths of Lindsay and Jenny and stitching each to the anus of the person in front. Then in order to prevent any sort of escape, Heiter severs the ligaments in their knees. Once it’s complete, the three are dragged to Heiter’s home where they’re humiliated and degraded in various ways by the doctor from being forced to view their hideous new form, photographed, and even trapped within a dog kennel.

After a horrible couple of days where Dr. Heiter, Katsuro, and a couple of detectives die in various ways; Jenny and Lindsay are left with only each other in the home. Unfortunately, Lindsay had gotten a fatal infection and she too passed on; leaving Jenny trapped and alone between two corpses.

Experience

Tusk

Wallace was a pod caster that traveled the world for years, until he was then turned into Mr. Tusk. As Mr. Tusk: he was forced for days to be trained as a Walrus, learning to swim and being forced to eat raw fish to survive. This all boiled down to the moment of his test with Howard Howe, which was a fight to the death. Tusk managed to murder Howe but at the cost of his humanity. He would then go on to spend the next year stuck as a Walrus, living his remaining days in a public zoo. However, when his ex-girlfriend and best friend came to visit him, he would show that somewhere in there, he was still human.

Howard Howe was also a former sailor during World War 2, and while he never fought directly during D-Day, he would still have extensive military training in hand to hand combat and weaponry. He also likes gas lighting the shit out of people, which he’s used to evade private investigators.

Human Centipede

It’s like 3 humans with plenty of experience stitched together. Fuck yeah. In the final act of the movie, they managed to sneak away from the doctor and stealth attack his bitch ass, then proceeded to use the “1-2” technique to make their grand escape.

Josef Hieter, the mad doctor behind it all does actually have quite a bit of experience in his fucked up hobby. He spent years experimenting on dogs before moving onto human subjects. Of which he would take down in subtle ways with drugs and tranquilizer darts. He also stealthily took down two police agents in the climax of the movie.

Arsenal

Tusk

Tusks

Made from Wallace’s own leg bones, he can use these handmade tusks to stab foes, including his own captor.

Swimming Pool

In the beginning of his time as a walrus, Wallace was put in a swimming pool enclosure so Howard could teach him to swim and eat fish, further adapting to his walrus lifestyle. He could potentially drown foes using this arena. It’s even complete with a life raft, a beach ball and Wallace’s beloved oversized gas station drink.

Human Centipede

Medical Equipment

The doctor has an entire layer in his house dedicated to his experiments. Stocked with plenty of surgical tools, scapules, saws and medical sedatives to keep his victims unconscious or put them to sleep… forever.

Abilities

Tusk

Walrus Physiology

The Tusk body is made from skinning the human body, amputating the legs from the knees, fusing the arms to the body, and ripping out the tongues so that handmade tusks can be put in. All of this is an effort to make poor Wallace resemble a walrus. This physiology allows him to survive getting stabbed by Howard’s tusks in his Walrus suit, with the tusks just bouncing off and Wallace was also able to retract his head like a turtle into the suit.

Endurance

Wallace endured some fucking shit in this movie, bro. He had his fucking legs sawed off, his bodied remodled and stitched apart to literally become a Walrus, he constantly screams in pain throughout the movie but still keeps trucking. What a unit.

Swimming

Howard taught Wallace how to use his new hands to swim a little bit.

Human Centipede

Endurance

These people were haphazardly stitched together, beaten and hardly fed for several days on end and still in the end had the strength to fight back against the doctor. The Doc himself could also recover from being stabbed repeatedly, taking down two police agents in the process when he couldn't even walk.

Siamese Triplet Physiology

They are quite literally stitched together mouth to rectum to form a ‘siamese triplet”, the idea is to share one digestive system and essentially feed three people from one meal. In human centipede 3, the warden and co say they don’t see how a person cannot live their entire life like this, only needing minimal outside assistance and medical treatment for infection.

“Support”

Tusk

Howard Howe

Under the alias “The First Wife”, Howard Howe mutilates people and turns them into fucking Walruses. He scoots around in a mobility scooter for the most part. He is an expert gaslighter, tricking Wallace into briefly believing an insane story as to why he lost his leg. As mentioned before, he has a lot of experience as a sailor and has previously done the walrus surgery to 23 people before Wallace. He also used sedatives and drugs to subdue victims and has a walrus dick bone that he uses to bash people over the head with. He even has his own Walrus suit lmao.

Human Centipede

Dr. Josef Heiter

The piece of shit behind this entire thing. Having practiced on dogs first apparently, until he moved to humans. His first and only human centipede he considers a success. He has a Haenel 310 Air Rifle to tranquilize victims from afar and a multitude of drugs and sedatives for incapacitating. He also started wearing leather boots to protect himself from bites.

Feats

Tusk

Overall

Went full walrus and lived the rest of his days as one at a shitty zoo.
Became a cult classic?
Kevin Smith kinda looks fondly back on it.

Strength

Random kid cuts his own leg off with a sword.
Howe slapped the shit out of Wallace and knocked him out later.
Johnny Depp crushes a cheeseburger paper thin. (Yes, Johnny Depp is in this movie)
Tusk could easily eat Mackerel.
Howard Howe killed a Walrus off screen.
Wallace as Mr. Tusk stabbed Howard to Death.

Speed

Howe rides around in a mobility scooter (4 - 15 MPH)

Durability

Wallace got slapped by Howe.
The Walrus suit could tank Walrus tusks, Wallace was only able to kill Howard once he took his suit off.

Human Centipede

Overall

Idk what we’d put here lmao.
Probably one of the most notoriously fucked up movie franchises in the public conscious.

Strength

Heiter could bash through reinforced glass.
Heiter could overpower Katsuro with two kicks.
Katsuro has stated he has "unbelievable strength”
Katsuro bit out a hunk of Heiter’s throat and could bash through reinforced glass easier than Heiter.
Martin crushed the skull of his mother with a crowbar
The Warden could break the arms of inmates and can strangle them to death.
One of the victims managed to rip his face away from the other person
Despite being an asthmatic fat man, Martin could attack, beat up and kidnap multiple people.
The woman at the front of the centipede, Yennie, managed to punch Martin in the genitals and then overpower Martin, forcing a funnel up Martin’s rectum.
A large group of inmates could pry open a prison door, one of them later bashes a small hunk of a wooden door out with a fire extinguisher.

Speed

Despite having their knees sliced to make them unable to walk, the first centipede could crawl up some stairs before Heiter could recover from his ass beating.

Durability

Katsuro took two kicks to the face from Heiter.
Lindsey, Jenny and Katsuro took a whipping from Heiter.
The Secretary takes a beating from one of the inmates.
The Warden takes a decently long fall, though it messes him up.

Scaling

Tusk

Actual Walruses (Debatable)

Tusk was surgically modified to be a Walrus with Howe telling him he needs to embrace his wild side and go “Full Walrus”, so he at least downscales to the real Odobenus Rosmarus. Howard Howe also kills one off screen so fuck it.

Walruses are capable of swimming at 4.5 mph and in some cases can reach 22 mph in short bursts.
They have a bite of 1,850 lbs per square inch.
Can tank bites from Polar Bears.

Polar Bears have a bite force of 1,200 PSI

Yoga Hosers

In a direct sequel to Tusk, Yoga Hosers is another Kevin Smith film which follows two regular Canadian teenage convenience store employees who use yoga poses to defeat… demonic sausage based nazi clones of all things. Since the films take place in the same universe and they’re just regular people, It should be fine to scale everyone’s favorite body horror themed Walrus to them.

They can both crush the main antagonistic forces of the film known as Bratzis (Bratwurst Nazis).
Colleen C slams a Bratzi hard enough to crack convenience store glass.

Bratzi’s can snap necks and rip through people vertically.

They can both injure the large Goalie Golem piloted by Bratzis and they aren’t bothered by its attack

It can use its hockey stick to completely crush a person; sending him into the floor below. (5.568 Megajoules - 0.00418 Tons of TNT)

Actual Centipedes

Obviously any person could and should just be able to stomp out a centipede with ease. Even people with their knees sliced to be un-functionable, so they massively up scale lmao.

The House Centipede can approach speeds of 1 MPH.
Their bites fucking hurt.

Weaknesses

Tusk

Just fucking look at him dude.

Human Centipede

Just fucking look at them dude.

Verdict

Stats

Starting off with stats, they are both where you would expect them to land. The humans in the Human Centipede itself are scaling to people that can break bones and crush skulls… with weapons. If anything, the best that we have for stats strength-wise is Heither being able to break through reinforced glass, and even then he was struggling to break it with a rifle at hand. Meanwhile, Tusk doesn’t seem to be that much better at first but he actually has a lot more going for him. He could potentially scale to real-life walruses given that Howard’s intent was to recreate Wallace into a walrus proper, but if you don’t buy that, then you would have to give him… Yoga Hosers scaling? Wait a second, scaling that is actually noteworthy? Tusk being able to scale to regular people that could fight golems that potentially reach 5.568 Megajoules - 0.004 Tons of TNT levels of power would make him massively stronger than whatever the Human Centipede can get. Not only that, but Tusk’s durable skin will prevent him from being pierced or even being damaged by any of Human Centipede’s attacks, potentially even the tranquilizer gun.

As for speed, the Human Centipede literally has to crawl if they want to move from place to place due to their broken legs. Tusk doesn’t have that big of a drawback but technically speaking, the crawl speed of a bunch of humans would be faster than a walrus’ usual speed. This may seem like a great advantage for them but given that the Human Centipede are already weakened and can’t really take advantage of their speed, Tusk would be the first one to take the upper hand with what speed he does have. Plus, you could at least scale him to Howard’s scooter which gets Tusk to 4 - 15 mph. Human Centipede has absolutely nothing that can get them to scale any higher.

Given that Tusk has Human Centipede outmatched in strength, speed, AND durability, Tusk takes the stats category in a complete sweep.

Skill

This one should be pretty obvious. Tusk has a World War 2 veteran on his side, and actually does fight in his movie. While the people in the centipede are definitely determined to survive (Katsuro was a fucking beast ngl) and the Doctor can be devious when the occasion calls for it… this is really just nothing against a trained fighter, even if you want to point out how Howard is rather old, so is Doctor Heiter. Howard has shown he isn’t reliant on his mobility scooter either, he can walk around just fine in the last 30 or so minutes of the movie. Additionally, Tusk is far more skilled when it comes to utilizing the environment around him as he was able to get pretty good at swimming around his pool in just a couple of minutes and he was able to pin Howard on the terrain in order to deliver the killing blow. So he could probably just.. drown the centipede.

It’s also worth throwing out that Howard is definitely the superior surgeon compared to Heiter. He quite literally remodeled a person to resemble a walrus by rearranging his body parts. Heiter just stitched people’s mouths to their asses. Howard also has a much larger body count, and evaded cops for way longer than Heiter. He couldn’t even keep it together for ten minutes when the cops started questioning him. Wallace also lived as a Walrus for at least an entire year, becoming accustomed to the life style and embracing his new fucked up life. While the Human Centipede was stuck like that for like… 3 days? They never really ended up getting the chance to get used to that lifestyle…. Thankfully.

As hilarious as it sounds, Tusk and Howard slam this category as well lmao.

Teamwork

An unexpected category for sure lmao. While this might seem dumb we agree that Howard would likely be willing to help Tusk in a fight. He does hold Mr. Tusk in a special place in his heart… in a fucked up way. While Heiter does try to make the Human Centipede obedient to him, this fails obviously and always resorts to violence against them. While neither would realistically work well together lmao, if it came down to life or death for either side, we think that the Tusk crew would work better in a head to head fight. Hell, even if you try to argue Heiter could just shoot them with a tranquilizer, he'd probably aim for the fucking monstrosity instead of the regular guy first. Which given that Tusk’s suit is mostly empty space would just screw him over given he'd need to reload after a single shot. Likely pissing Howard off and bull rushing the Doc since he attacked his beloved Mr. Tusk.

If we were to look at this like some sort of fucked up Pokémon battle, Tusk and Howard throttle The Human Centipede and Doctor Heiter in this final category. What the fuck.

Summary

Tusk

“Why? To answer a riddler older than the Sphinx. To answer the question which has plagued us since we stood from the surf and stood erect in the sun. Is a man indeed a Walrus at heart?”

Advantages:

Takes the stat trinity to a hilarious degree, mostly thanks to Yoga Hosers scaling.
Howard Howe is far more experienced and more skilled as a surgeon and fighter than the Doctor.
Could drown the Centipede if the battle went into the water.
Better weaponry.
Walrus suits would protect from piercing weapons.
Better movie.
Shares a name with the coolest Killer Instinct Character.

Disadvantages:

Tusk has slightly worse movement than the Centipede.

Human Centipede

“Hey, cockroaches, did you like these films? I handpicked them for you as an instructional and mental training. The world's first human-prison centipede will finally teach you how to become humans.”

Advantages:

The tranquilizer gun could incap Howard Howe and Tusk….
Centipede technically has better movement.
Has a bigger legacy in pop culture unfortunately.

Disadvantages:

Walrus suits have protected against piercing weapons before.
Literally any other category lmao.
Worst movie trilogy ever.

This match is surprisingly simple. The Human Centipede has zero major advantages compared to the absolute unit that is Tusk. His superior stats, experience, psychotic surgeon and deadly Tusks made him victorious against this abomination and now, finally, The Human Centipede can be freed from their suffering.

The winner is Wallace Bryan, Mr. Tusk.

Final Tally

Tusk (67): - Asura, Bang, Boomer, Cardinal, Doorkun, Echo, Flip, French, Garf, Garf’s barber, Guru, Iceking, JobberGodot, Joe, Kaiser, Kevin Smith, L.A.D, Macedaace (the goat), MKF4, MatPat, Normally Normal, Niko, Pasbros, Restaurant, Rick Grimes (He slams Joel), Sifu, Spirit, Spycrab, The Whale (the proposed 3rd combatant), Thicc Grimes, Thicc’s cat, Triple, Toxin, Toxin’s bird, Tru, WWAL, Yerm, Yuix, Your mom

Human Centipede (0): - Ough